depressed

i have been surfing the nets to find ways to become a vampire.

beacuse vampires dont die.
they lived over decades,
i can have many boyfriends and see them dies.
rather than letting them live in suffering when they see me dies
(provided that they really love me)

i did the most crazy stuffs nowadays,
like i throw my jackets down six story and i screamed infront of LOVES's family.
LOVES made me do all those crazy stuffs.
he shouted at me like nobody's business
and i cried like nobody's business.

i feel like jumping down the six story and made him guilty.
i cut myself so that i can bleed to death.

nah. all bullshit.
but throwing of stuffs and those shouting, screaming and crying are all true.

saddening,
i cant celebrate new year next year,
no painting of room and installing of a swing in my room for next three years.
i cant said happy birthday to dad on every 1509 anymore.
i cant throw my tantrum to him anymore.
i cant get money or a baeting from him.
i can ride on a motorbike anymore.
NO MORE free chaffeur fetching me and here.

i yearned for father's love.
do you?